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WHERE'S ALBA?...Like 'Where's Waldo' But With Boobs.
OK - remember those "Where's Waldo?" books? You had to find a goofy-looking guy in a red and white striped hat in a sea of confusing images. We have updated the game for the 21st century. Now it is "Where's Alba?". Check out the image above to search a sea of breasts in the hopes of finding the pair that belong to Jessica Alba. Then you can click and view the answer key below and see who is who.
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ANSWERS!
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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TEN MORE THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE A PENIS
I'm not sure what it says about this website, or the thousands of people who visit it every day, but our ALL-TIME most viewed page is "Ten Things That Look Like A Penis". Naturally, we are not above trying to repeat this success, so here you have - "Ten MORE Things That Look Like A Penis". Enjoy, crazy internet web surfers.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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"Guess That Boob!" is back. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entry and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: she is tiny...
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NEW MATH: A JUST NOT TRYING ANYMORE FEATURE
We’re back! Welcome to a new weekly feature at Just Not Trying Anymore - NEW MATH. New math are interesting equations that reveal simple truths.
Today's equation is a simple one, and very obvious: The size of one's Hummer is INVERSLEY proportional to the smallness of your penis. The Larger the Hummer, the smaller the penis.
So the next time some guy in a suit barrels by in his Hummer, just smile and know that he is packing about 2 inches (when erect) behind all that steel.
We also have a team of scientists working around the clock on an equation for female Hummer drivers. Signs point to a "The larger the Hummer, the greater the fear of her own sexuality" equation.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
THE WORST CELEBRITY NOSES REVEALED
This was a surprisingly easy list of grotesque schnozes to compile; although with the EXTREME proliferation of plastic surgery, "unique" noses are now few and far between in Hollywood and amongst celebrities in general.
You surely will be able to guess about 5 of these right off - the others may be a challenge. Just click on the picture above to see who the hideous honkers belong to.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
TOP TEN NICKNAMES FOR THE McRIB SANDWICH
Unfortunately for humanity, the McRib sandwich is again back at McDonalds. Septic systems and intestines everywhere should be on alert. So as is an annual tradition at "Just Not Trying Anymore", here is our top ten list of what the McRib sandwich should be called.
10.The McFake
9. The Shitbomb on Bread
8. The McSevered Hand
7. The Accidentally put in my bag, didn’t actually order it
6. The McExplosive Diarrhea
5. The McHorror Movie Prop
4. The McClogger
3. The Vengeful Oinker
2. The Death by Sodium
1. The McRib-off
TEN MORE of The Top Big Lebowski Quotes
Our first list of ten quotes ignited such a firestorm of controversy, that we had to go into hiding after amputating our girlfriends pinkie toes. So naturally, we have compiled 10 more quotes from the greatest film of all time.
I'm sure it is useless to ask, but please don't send use e-mails with what we left out again. Just realize we left out your favorite quote because we hate you.
You will click on them all, because you just cannot help yourself. They are that damn good... Here is our SECOND list.
Listen and enjoy. Do you mind if we do a jay?
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Here is the latest entry in "Guess That Boob!". Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: Dated another famous person....
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Yes, we are finally back. O.K. we took a month off. BUT here is a NEW entry in "Guess That Boob!". Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: dates a loser....
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SHARON STONE'S VAGINA BURSTS INTO FLAMES
Star's Quick Action Prevents Permanent Damage
MALIBU -- Actress Sharon Stone narrowly avoided tragedy yesterday when her vagina spontaneously burst into flames. Startled witnesses on the beach where Ms. Stone was lounging reported that Ms. Stone "stood up and began screaming - running for her nearby cooler."
Apprently, quick action by Ms. Stone, in the form of a bottle of spring water, allowed the actress to avoid and serious injury.
"She just jumped up off her towel and began yelling 'My woo-woo, my woo-woo!' said nearby beachgoer William Woodson. "Then she grabbed a bottle of something from her cooler and dumped the whole thing all over her crotch. There was a kind of sizzling noise, and a smell like one of those bug zappers."
Ms. Stone's publicist reported she was at home and resting comfortably.
Spontaneous vaginal burning, also referred to as "Instantaneou-corruptu-ignitus-vaginus" occurs over 36 times every year, mostly on the west coast of the United States.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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THE TOP 10 WAYS ANN COULTER SHOULD DIE
Our staff all agree that Ann Coulter should die. Soon. But how should she die? We asked Odin, Chief of the Nordic Gods and ruler of Asgard, to tell us how Ann Coulter should die. Here are his responses (in descending order):
10. Pulled apart by 4 wild horses - 1 horse tied to each limb. The horses should be painted blue.
9. Forced to eat 7 double Quarter-Pounders with cheese. Then shot in the head with a longbow.
8. My Son, Thor, should smite her with his mighty hammer.
7. She should be covered in expired sour cream and fed to 10,000 fire ants. Then shot in the head with a longbow.
6. Buried alive under 1,026 hardcover copies of books by Al Franken.
5. Loaded into a French TRF1 155 mm gun-howitzer and shot into the Eiffel Tower at close range.
4. Forced to run a 3-legged race with Jimmy Carter, and at the end of the race...shot through the head with a longbow.
3. Bitch-slapped to death by Hilary Clinton and Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulski.
2. Drive her out to the middle of the Mojave Desert in a Hummer. The Hummer should be drained of all but 1 gallon of fuel. She then tries to drive herself to freedom - but the gas-guzzling Hummer runs out of fuel before she can escape the oppressive heat of the desert. As she is dehydrated, delirious, sunburned and near death - a paramedic drives up in a Prius Hybrid and shoots her through the head with a longbow.
And the #1 way Ann Coulter should die...
Alone and staring at her grotesquely skinny and hideously-bug-eyed face in the mirror.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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BEYONCE TO PLAY 'MEDUSA' IN CLASH OF THE TITANS
HOLLYWOOD-- A publcity still from the upcoming re-make of the cheesy classic Clash of the Titans has been leaked to the media. The image shows pop singer/actress Beyonce with her hair gone wild in the role of the mythic greek character, Medusa.
Wikipedia describes Medusa as "In Greek mythology, Medusa was a monstrous chthonic female character, essentially an extension of an apotropaic mask, gazing upon whom could turn onlookers to stone. She was a monster with goggling eyes, sharp protruding fangs and lolling tongues, brass hands, and hair of living, venomous snakes.
This story is not true. Or is it?
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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A new entry in "Guess That Boob!" today. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: On a hit TV show....
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QUENTIN TARANTINO and ROGER FEDERER, TWINS?
I have seen a lot of these "Separated at Birth" picture comparisons over the years, but I think we have discoverd the greatest match of all time.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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Another new entry in "Guess That Boob!" today. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: Classy....
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WE LIKED IT SO MUCH WE ARE SELLING THEM!!!
This is one of the more hilarious things I have ever seen on e-bay, so now we are going to sell them. It is a greeting card for people with bad breath. Know someone whose breath is ruining your office or home life? Too nice to tell someone "Your breath is deadly, man!"? Then send them this card. They are real, 5" x 7" greeting cards. Sadly, I could have used about 15 of these cards over the last 10 years...Just click the button below to buy one - $3.99 with FREE shipping. We can even ship it right to the horrible breath perpetrator! And we have decided to carry ALL OF RADICAL CARDS products, so click here to go and buy them - their cards are awesomely mean and funny.
Order securely by credit card now by clicking on the "ADD TO CART" button below!
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Another new entry in "Guess That Boob!" today. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: used to be "Green"...
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A new entry in "Guess That Boob!" today. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: she's an angel...or is she?...
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JESSICA SIMPSON IS SHRINKING
Los Angeles, California -- A recent phoograph of pop singer and media celebrity Jessica Simpson has caused dismay and concern regarding the singer's health.
The photograph (printed above) shows the singer at a restaurant clutching an enormous yellow purse. What at first glance just seemed like a bad fashion choice actually reveals an alarming physical condition - Ms. Simpson is shrinking.
In fact, Just Not Trying Anymore has learned exclusively, that the yellow purse in question is in fact an accessory for a Barbie doll and the maroon background is, in fact, a tablecloth. Jessica Simpson is little more than 5 inches tall by our latest calculation.
Ms. Simpson's publicist refused comment, and her agent would neither confirm nor deny reports that Ms. Simpson had been rushed to a local hospital in a shoebox.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IS CONFUSED
Austin, Texas -- Actor Matthew stopped traffic for nearly an hour on a busy road outside of Austin, Texas today. The actor was attempting to "unicycle his ass off!" in the middle of the road, causing cars to slam on their brakes.
The delay was further compounded by the fact that the "A Time To Kill" actor was apparently attempting to ride a plain bicycle tire without a seat.
According to eyewitnesses, Mr. McConaughey repeatedly tried sitting on the tire and attempted to balance.
"He was just sitting on the tire, and then he would start flailing his legs and whooping like he was at a rodeo or something," said eyewitness Harold Crutchins.
Police were able to clear the area, and Mr. McConaughey left without further incident. No charges are expected to be filed.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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ANOTHER ALL-TIME GREAT YAHOO HEADLINE
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I always thought that if you could MAKE it there, you could make it anywhere...I guess that wasn't until recently.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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A new entry in "Guess That Boob!" today. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: she will skate into your heart...
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THE ART OF THE CELEBRITY BLANK STARE
Being Famous With The Deer in the Headlights Look - A Photo Montage
Bonus points to those who can identify the two bulging eyes...
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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GIANT SUNGLASSES VIRUS STRIKES HOLLYWOOD
Because the problem refuses to go away, we are re-running this story from last year...
Los Angeles--Authorities are working around the clock in Beverly Hills and other exclusive Hollywood-area neighborhoods to contain a potentially career-threatening virus that is plaguing scores of young Hollywood stars.
The virus, Giant Celebrity Sunglasses Disorder (GCSD), has claimed many well-known victims in recent weeks including pop star Jessica Simpson.
Beverly Hills Hospital spokesperson David Garrison describes the symptoms as follows: "The victims have usually been traveling, and walking through strange airports, maybe at the beach - when they discover they are suddenly wearing huge, hideous sunglasses. A primary symptom of the disease is that the victim is unaware of how ridiculous they look."
Medical officials are unwilling to comment on how widespread the breakout may become in the coming weeks, but it is a well-known fact that the Olsen twins have been near death from the virus in recent weeks.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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The Top 10 Big Lebowski Quotes
We have compiled the top 10 quotes from the greatest film of all time - The Cohen Brothers' masterpiece - The Big Lebowski.
Now the simple fact is that like a select few movies (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Spinal Tap amongst others) almost every single line of The Big Lebowski is quotable. So please spare us the 43,065 e-mails claiming we are morons for not including the line from the pornographer, Jackie Treehorn, or the legendary "Cable Repairman", Karl Hungus.
Yes, there are MANY, MANY great lines. Here is our list. Listen and enjoy the perfection.
"Big Lebowski Quote #10"
"Big Lebowski Quote #9"
"Big Lebowski Quote #8"
"Big Lebowski Quote #7"
"Big Lebowski Quote #6"
"Big Lebowski Quote #5"
"Big Lebowski Quote #4"
"Big Lebowski Quote #3"
"Big Lebowski Quote #2"
"Big Lebowski Quote #1"
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"Honorable Mention"
"Honorable Mention #2"
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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A new entry in "Guess That Boob!" today. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity chests...today's hint: in the news...
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INSIDE HOLLYWOOD'S VAMPIRE COVEN
Celebrity Blood-Suckers Revealed!
click here to link to this article all by itself.
BREAKING NEWS: VINCE VAUGHN IS STILL A VAMPIRE
Hollywood- Reports coming out of the recent "People's Choice Awards" provide new and compelling evidence that actor Vince Vaughn continues to be a blood-sucking vampire. As the photos above show, Mr. Vaughn's appearance is still that of a pale, evil vampire. His hypnotic stare destroying the will to live of actresses and audience members wherever he goes.
The most compelling evidence is the death-like appearance of the once-strikingly-attractive Christina Applegate, who, as pictured above, has clearly been taken under Mr. Vaughn's vampiric cloak. Drained of blood, she is now one of the walking dead...and a member of Vince's undead entourage.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
Read the previous article about Vince's vampirism HERE
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THE TOP "NO LONGER HUMAN" HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES. GHASTLY.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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The first new entry in "Guess That Boob!" for 2007. Happy New Year! Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and test your skill at identifying celebrity breasts...no hint today - it is THAT easy...
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SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S NOSE ATTACKS NEW YORK CITY
Actress's Snout Detaches From Body and Wreaks Havoc
NEW YORK CITY -- In a shocking scene of untold destruction and terror, Actress Sarah Jessica Parker's giant, malformed nose detached from her body yesterday evening and went on a rampage through midtown Manhattan.
"The nose just tore through Central Park and headed straight for the river," said city spokesperson, Harry Smiderson. "Emergency personnel and law enforcement were on the scene immediately, but there have been numerous casualties and massive property damage."
The nasal terror was cornered by police SWAT teams and "Blown to Hell" according to eyewitnesses. These eyewitnesses reported seeing SWAT members firing automatic weapons into the monstorous nostrils while "repelling down nose hairs the size of electrical cables."
A spokesperson for the now nose-free actress said the actress could offer no explanantion for the incident, and was "Appalled by the loss of life and property, but quite frankly glad to see the nose gone."
Statements from New York State Governor George Pataki and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg are expected later this afternoon.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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LET'S PLAY "FIND VAL KILMER!"
Yes, somewhere up above in that group of photos is Val Kilmer. The same Val Kilmer who once appeared in People Magazine's 50 Sexiest issue. The same Val Kilmer who used to have a career. In fact, almost beyond belief, the picture of Val that is up there was taken at an AUTOGRAPH SHOW! HE signs autographs for money now people...so sad.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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THE TOP 5 MANNISH FEMALE CELEBRITIES
We have compiled a quick list of the top 5 female celebrities that look like men. These women certainly look like they are simply men dressed as women. They belong performing a stage review in Vegas. What is interesting is that at one time or another, or in a certain light - they can be very hot...but as Austin Powers said - "She's a man, baby!"
1. Jennifer Garner: Probably the most controversial of our choices, but her jaw line is epic, and she could kick our asses.
2. Jessica Simpson: If folks would take their eyes off her chest, they would see she looks like a boxer. James Bond called - he wants his chin back.
3. Madonna: A mouth like a hockey player. Maybe she is just hideously ugly.
4. Hilary Swank: They have tried hard to glam her up in this picture, but let's face it, her best and most convincing role was as a woman pretending to be a man...
5. Sarah Jessica Parker: The Queen Mother of mannish female celebrities, Sarah's face has more in common with Arnold Schwarzenegger's than any female celebrity I can think of.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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We have had a team of experts, forensic, sociological and others, examine a recent photo of Tom Cruise and his hostage wife, Katie Holmes. Here are their conclusions:
1. "Even sitting down, Ms. Holmes is taller than Mr. Cruise. Their hair color is now almost identical."
2. "The oversized sunglasses fail to cover up the 'deer-in-the-headlights' look on Katie's face. She is either on serious drugs, or there is a great deal of tension in her body as she considers springing up and sprinting to freedom."
3. "Judging by the facial expression and placement of the thumb on the nerve center of his chin, Mr. Cruise seems either deeply disturbed by what he is watching, or he has to have a bowel movement."
4. "The loose way they are holding hands suggests a lack of intimacy and a sense of obligation to display affection for the benefit of others. Or, Ms. Holmes is preparing to throw Mr. Cruises's hand aside and sprint to freedom."
5. "Despite her greater mass, Katie is higher up in her chair than Tom. This suggests that she is not entirely comfortable with her position and is, perhaps, preparing to jump up and sprint to freedom."
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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DO NOT CLICK BELOW!!
Doing So Will Reveal The Most Horrible Pictures Of All Time
I am warning you not to click on the image above. It will permanently wipe out all sexual desire you have for the rest of your life. You will, in effect, be neutered through grotesque visual stimuli courtesy of a big Hollywood star. The effect works the same on both men and women, so steer clear.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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ARETHA FRANKLIN'S BREASTS APPLY FOR STATEHOOD
Republicans Worry That New 'Boob' States Would Support Democrats
DETROIT -- Aretha Franklin is behind, literally, a growing movement to grant statehood to her two enormous breasts.
"The two masses have a an area in square miles the equivalent of Vermont and New Hampshire, and I see no compelling reason that they should not be granted statehood," says the movement's spokesperson, Harry Smiderson.
Republicans in Washington are terrified that the movement may gain momentum in the current anti-Bush atmosphere. "Two large, African-American breasts are likely to generate senators and representatives that vote along with the democrats, and this is a scenario we cannot allow," says National Republican Party spokesperson, Roger Snick.
Ms. Franklin has refused to comment to media about the issue.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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MEL GIBSON TO REMAKE 'SCHINDLER'S LIST'
Says The Film Will Be Similar, But "Without All Those Pesky Jews"
HADES -- Mel Gibson continues to turn heads in Hollywood and around the globe after his smash-hit bloodbath The Passion of the Christ, and subsequent drunk driving arrest. Gibson has announced plans to remake Steven Spielberg’s heartbreaking Holocaust drama, Schindler’s List.
"I have a great respect for the original, but it seems to me it was too focused on the plight of the Jews," Gibson said through his publicist, Heinrich Himmler.
Gibson plans to begin filming within a few months, although production was delayed when his first choice for cinematographer, Leni Riefenstahl, passed away.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
JENNIFER LOPEZ TO STAR IN REMAKE OF
BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES
Or so it would seem, judging by the hideously absurd dress she just wore to the MTV Video Awards.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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Oh wait, that has already happened. Nevermind.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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CHRISTINE AGUILERA'S RIGHT BOOB MAKES A RUN FOR IT
Tired of Being Crushed, Breast Flees
HOLLYWOOD--In a stunning development sure to have major repercussions on her career, Christine
Aguilera's right breast escaped from the tortuous confinement of her continually absurd
clothing, during a movie premiere last night.
The photo above captures the seconds before the breast fully escaped the garment and rolled
through the stunned crowd to freedom. In the photo, the right breast can clearly be seen
rising a full 8 inches higher than the left breast.
Stunned on-lookers watched as the breast popped free and made a quick escape, and a clearly
distraught Ms. Aguilera could be heard crying "What am I supposed to do with just one?!"
As of the writing of this article, the right breast has already gotten an agent, signed a recording contract with BMG music, and is fielding offers from big time producers like Sean Combs and Jelly-Fat.
click here to link to this article all by itself.
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