Just Not Trying Anymore - Hilarious Daily Satire

A compelling argument could be made that they are, in fact, the same person...

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POSH SPICE SAVES CHILDREN FROM TRUCK
Massive Chest Implants Deflect Runaway Vehicle

LONDON-- Victoria "Posh" Beckham saved 4 children from certain death early Thursday morning, when a runaway truck barreling towards the youngsters was deflected by Ms. Beckham.

Eyewitness accounts had Ms. Beckham sprinting as fast as her thin frame could carry her, placing herself squarely in the path of the 4-ton vehicle.

"She saw the truck was out of control and just took off like a skinny bat-out-of-Hell," said witness Maureen Gunderson. "Next thing I knew she was pushing her chest out and the truck was careening to the left, missing the children and sliding to a stop in a small pond."

Ms. Posh seemed momentarily dazed, as horrified onlookers rushed to her aid.

"She brushed off her chest, which had some dust and dirt on it, and said 'Worth every pound I spent'," said witness Harold Abercrombie.

The driver of the truck is being questioned by police to determine the cause of the accident.

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EVA LONGORIA WILL PLAY JOHNNY DEPP IN BIOPIC
Newly "Un-glam" Actress Will Play Male In New Film

HOLLYWOOD-- "Desperate Housewives" star and Loreal spokeswoman, Eva Longoria, has been cast to play actor Johnny Depp in a new biopic set to air in 2007 on the USA cable Channel.

The actress who was recently photographed looking decidedly plain and makeup free, bears a remarkable resemblance to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" star.

"We are confident that Eva has the acting chops, low voice, strong jaw and rugged good looks to play Mr. Depp," said USA Network spokesperson Hal Cochran.

Ms. Longoria's representatives failed to return calls, but did release the following statement: "Eva is delighted to take on this new, challenging role. She has always been a big fan of Mr. Depp, and this role will show her fans, and others, that she is unafraid to embrace new roles that move away from the 'glamour' roles she has had in the past, and allow people to appreciate her for the ugly, horse-faced midget she is."

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PLAY THE GAME THAT IS SWEEPING THE NATION!

Click on the image to begin the process of unlocking the mystery...

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A TRIPLE TREAT OF THE GAME THAT PUTS THE "AB" IN ABSOLUTELY STUNNING

Click on the image to begin the process of witnessing perfection...

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THE 5 MOVIES WITH THE HOTTEST CELEBRITY NUDITY OF THE 20th CENTURY

These movies made this list for the following reasons: they are old school, mainstream movies, all came out before 1990. They don’t have the slick, oily porn-like quality of modern movie nudity (not that there’s anything wrong with that. I liked 'Wild Things' as much as the next guy), There is no silicone to be found here. Some were popular successes, some weren't. Click on the link below or the picture above to see the top 5...

click here to see the list of the top 5 movies with the hottest celebrity nudity of the 20th century.

A new entry in "Guess That Boob!" today. Click on the image above and scroll down to see the latest entries and give it a try...Today's hint - she's a wild one...

5 THINGS AXL ROSE AND BOY GEORGE HAVE IN COMMON

In the crazy world of celebrities and rock stars, it wouldn't surprise me if these two were married one day. In fact, let's just start that rumor. Yes, Boy George has married Axl Rose. It was a beautiful ceremony, and Stephanie Seymour was the flower girl. As you can see below - they have a lot in common.

1. They now both look like circus freaks (see photo above).

2. They both like biting men. See THIS article for Axl, and HERE for Boy George, although you really already knew that about him, so don’t bother.

3. They both have sold millions of albums, and have had #1 albums in the U.S.

4. They both love Elton John...O.K., Boy George might hate him - check HERE.

5. They both appear in a news headline - with Brad Pitt no less! Talk about amazing headxlines! Click HERE to read the article.

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QUENTIN TARANTINO and ROGER FEDERER, TWINS?

I have seen a lot of these "Separated at Birth" picture comparisons over the years, but I think we have discoverd the greatest match of all time.

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JESSICA ALBA NEARLY CRAPS ON HER OWN DOG
Boyfriend Prevents "Embarrassing" Incident

Los Angeles -- Current "It" girl, Jessica Alba, was caught by paparazzi leaving a local beach with her boyfriend and her dog. Apparently Ms. Alba became infuriated when her newly-acquired pooch defecated on the beach, and decided she would teach the dog a lesson by "releaseing a log or two" onto the confused puppy.

A witness at the scene said her heard the beautiful actress yelling at the dog. "She said 'You damn little craper! I'll give you a taste of your own medicine,' and jumped up on this rock and squated," said fellow beachgoer, William Hardt.

Ms. Alba's boyfriend, Cash Warren, then intervened, physically preventing the act by placing his hand over Ms. Alba's buttocks.

A publicist for the actress had no comment about the incident.

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STAR JONES LOOKING FOR WORK
May Be Cast as Jabba

As one can see in the photo above, noted 'View" cast-off Star Jones, bears a striking resemblance to space gangster Jabba the Hutt. Perhaps the now- unemployed media personality will go to Lucasfilm and try to get cast in the upcoming live-action Star Wars television series due to hit screens in 2008. She could use the work, and the always budget sensitive Lucasfilm would save money on makeup and specail effects.

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IF YOU RUBBED THESE TWO STICKS TOGETHER
COULD YOU MAKE FIRE?

Perhaps we have the makings of a new reality summer television series here? Take a flock of grotesquely thin hollywood celebrities (maybe you could even get some males in there - especially if Matthew Perry goes back on the pain pills), and have them rub against each other until they burst into flame. It could be called "Celebrity Burnout!" - hosted by Teri Hatcher.

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The sell-out of the week this week is...me. Yes, I got tired of losing money on this damn site - currently hemorrhaging about $100 a month with of all you thousands of lads and lasses visiting (we had a ridiculous 6 million hits last month) - so I broke down and added two banner ads on the pages (the ads for extremegreeting cards.com and glowbottles.com are just for friends of mine. I don't get anything from those bastards. And if you want to advertise on the site just click on the "Advertise" button to the left. So please click on one every now and again, because I'm a lot funnier when I don't have to sell my DVD collection to buy toliet paper (true story).

BREAKING NEWS:
NICOLE RICHIE KILLED BY GUST OF WIND

Southern California -- Reality television star and pop music scion Nicole Richie was killed early Wednesday when a moderate gust of wind plucked her twig-like body off the beach and slammed her into a rock pier, killing her instantly.

Eyewitnesses said the tiny Richie was returning from the water to an area on the beach where several of her companions were sitting, when the gust of wind blew along the shore.

"It wasn't much of a wind, but I guess when you weigh as much as a balsawood glider, it was enough," said eyewitness Howard Finnegan. "I heard her say 'Wow, Cool.' and then there was a short scream and a sickening thud."

Ms. Richie's friends scrambled to the area where she landed and began frantic calls for help.

No plans for funeral or memorial services have been released.

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Another zinger of a 'Just Not Trying Anymore' poll. I'm still trying to recover from the absurdity of our last poll results. You can scroll down to see them for yourself, but suffice it to say that the average man is obsessed with the size of their genitals - above ALL other things. For this poll, you can e-mail me your write-in votes and I will keep you updated.

5 SURPRISING THINGS THAT MAKE A MAN A LOSER

We have compiled a list of the top 5 things that SURPRISINGLY make a man a loser. The emphasis is on the surprising nature of these items. Some of you out there might think that these things are actually making you cool. You are wrong. Stop now before your genitals shrivel-up and fall off.

1. HAWAIIAN SHIRTS. So you think you are the guy who shows up at the party with the funny shirt and everybody laughs and thinks you are cool? Wrong. These shirts were played out about 20 years ago when M.A.S.H. went off the air. They sell racks of them at Walmart for god's sake. Maybe at a Jimmy Buffet concert - nowhere else.

2. A FANCY RAZOR. If you have one of those Mach 5/laser-guided/sensitive skin/moisture strip/30-blade razors, you are a loser. You drank the kool-aid. Just buy a cheap disposable or an electric razor.

3. MUTTON CHOPS. See the picture above of the dufus with the huge sideburns/muttonchops? Unless you are in a Hollywood road trip movie, these aren't for cool people. A little sideburn? Fine. A huge sideburn? Pass the moonshine, you inbred bastard.

4. SOUL PATCH. Yes, more facial hair. The soul patch had about a 6-month coolness period a few years ago. That time is over. Now if you grow a soul patch you are clearly a loser who plays with himself more often than making decent conversation with a woman.

5. HAVING YOUR OWN POOL CUE CASE. This one is a close call, but owning your own pool cue case is now like carrying a briefcase to high school. Don't do it. It takes all the coolness out of playing pool when you walk up with some plastic case and unsnap it to take out a cue.

ALYSSA MILANO KILLS FAN IN TRAGIC 'HIGH-BEAM' ACCIDENT

New York--What started out as a generous act of accomodation between a Hollywood star and some fans turned into tragedy at a New York Mets game last night.

Alyssa Milano, the buxom beauty from TV's 'Charmed', answered the pleading of some nearby fans and agreed to pose for a picture, when a cool night breeze suddenly caused Ms. Milano's nipples to become erect. The actress stumbled and fell onto one of the men posing for the photograph, tragically impaling the gentleman on her over-sized nipular region.

"It was like watching a train wreck," said one shaken nearby fan. "She just tripped and fell sideways and the fan didn't try to stop her falling into his chest. He was smiling and then there was this horrible, sharp squishing noise and his face went pale."

Ms. Milano was rushed from the scene by security shortly before emergency medical personnel arrived. She is said to be devastated.

VISION OF SATAN APPEARS ON MADONNA'S BACK

London--A horrific vision of Satan himself has appeared in a not-so-surprising place - the grotesque back of ancient pop star, Madonna.

We strongly urge readers to view the photo above in only short doses or your sex organs may shrivel up and fall off. However, if you do spend a few seconds looking at Madonna's hideous, pale nightmare of a back, you will begin to see the face of the dark lord himself, Satan. If you stare for a few minutes and don't see the face of Satan, that is probably because you have carved your eyes out with a pencil on your desk. Sorry.

With the recent spate of zombie movies I can see this becoming a reality - maybe as a TV show...all you Hollywood bigshots, e-mail me and I will make you rich.

PAM ANDERSON ATTACKED BY SHARKS
Busty Star Survives Horrific Attack as Friends Watch

MALIBU--In a case of life imitating art, former Baywatch star Pamela Anderson, was attacked by sharks in the shallow waters near her Malibu home. Ms. Anderson, whose character on Baywatch was killed during a shark attack, was exiting a small motor boat near the shore when several sharks believed to be about seven-feet in length attacked the busty starlet.

Doctors at the nearby Bay Area Medical Center said that Ms. Anderson's life was likely saved when one of her silicone breast implants was torn open and the rush of chemicals into the water "spooked the sharks", allowing Ms. Anderson's friends to help the star to shore and get immediate medical attention.

Ms. Anderson is expected to make a full recovery after multiple surgeries.

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STEVE TYLER TO PLAY JOAN RIVERS
Rocker Will Appear As Comedienne In Lifetime Movie

LOS ANGELES --Rocker Steve Tyler, in the news recently for revelations about contracting the diease Hepatitis C, has found his way into the headlines again with the announcement that he will be starring as Joan Rivers in a Lifetime original movie about the aged comedienne.

"From a casting and marketing point of view, it was really a no-brainer for us," says Lifetime spokesperson Laura Henniger. "Steve will bring in an audience that we wouldn't normally attract. There will be a mystery factor, as fans want to see what the freakishly bizarre-looking Tyler is up to playing the equally bizarre-looking Ms. Rivers."

Neither star could be reached for comment at press time, but rumors quickly spread that Steve Tyler's daughter, Liv Tyler, would be putting in a guest appearance as Joan Rivers' talentless daughter, Melissa Rivers.

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7 HABITS OF HIGHLY INEFFECTIVE PEOPLE

I really hate all those corporate self-help bullshit books that stream into the bookstores on an almost endless basis. One of the founding fathers of all the crap was Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People If you want to read the horror in all its glory, click here It is godawful, and spawned countless phrases that have haunted bored employees in meetings for over a decade. I was just subjected to the crap again - and in response I have come up with my very own...

Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective People.

Habit 1 - Be Inactive - The ability to control one’s environment, rather than having it control you is critical. Solution: Don’t leave the house.

Habit 2 - Begin With Your End in Mind - The habit of personal leadership. Why lead when you can follow? Concentrate on irrelevant activities - watch a lot of TV. Concentrate on making your butt very large.

Habit 3 - Put Last Things First - This is the physical creation of your mental creation that you established in Habit 2. And if Moses supposes his toses are roses, than Moses supposes erroneously.

Habit 4 - Think Lose-Lose - The habit of interpersonal leadership. Achievements are largely dependent on co-operative efforts with others. This sucks.

Habit 5 - Don’t Understand and You Can’t Be Misunderstood - This habit is essential for developing and maintaining positive relationships in all aspects of life. Keep people guessing. When confused, people are easy to control.

Habit 6 - Synergize - The whole is greater than the sum of its parts; see the good and potential in other person’s contributions - and take credit for it yourself.

Habit 7 - Why Sharpen the Saw? - Why Bother? They make saws that never need to be sharpened. Trust me. Go to Home Depot.

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THE TOP 10 SURPRISINGLY SUCCESSFUL CELEBRITY MARRIAGES

Let’s face it, celebrity marriages last about as long as Paris Hilton’s celibacy vows. We have compiled a top 10 of celebrity marriages that have, surprisingly, survived the test of time. And by “test of time” we mean more than a few months. Oh, and don’t write to us about why we haven’t included Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. That disaster has been so well-documented it is all played-out. So here they are, in no particular order.

1. PAUL NEWMAN and JOANNE WOODWARD - 48 Years
Probably the King and Queen of successful celebrity marriages. They are fast approaching the fifty year mark which is nearly unheard of anywhere these days, let alone in Hollywood. Oh, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid rocks.

2. Catherine Zeta-Jones and MICHAEL DOUGLAS - 6 Years
Considering he is 432 years older than she is, they seem to be getting on quite well. They shot out a child or two, and he seems eager to keep up, by dying his hair and botoxing his face into oblivion. There may be trouble on the horizon though - both their careers are on a downturn - a surefire catalyst for Hollywood marital trouble.

3. KATE HUDSON and CHRIS ROBINSON - 6 Years
Yes, this couple has really not been married that long, but considering that she is beautiful and he looks like Keith Richards crossed with Grizzly Adams, it is pretty astonishing that they are still together. Oh yeah, he apparently used to be a heroin addict as well. Recent media reports have had Kate talking up the fact that her husband loves porn and she is fine with it. There you have it! Porn saves another marriage. UPDATE: FORGET IT - THEY ARE DIVORCING!

4. JOHNNY CASH and JUNE CARTER CASH - 35 Years
They are both dead, so this marriage is rock solid.

5. REESE WITHERSPOON and RYAN PHILLIPE - 7 Years
There have been a lot of rumors of trouble on and off for the last 5 years, but Reese and Ryan just keep having children and defying the odds. When pictured with their children - the blonde and cute quotient goes off the chart. UPDATE: FORGET IT - THEY ARE DIVORCING!

6. GARTH BROOKS and TRISHA YEARWOOD - 1.5 Years
O.K., they have only been married for less than 2 years, but what makes it surprising is that have yet to eat one another.

7. WILL SMITH and JADA PINKETT SMITH - 9 Years
As they close in on 10 years of marriage, Will and Jada remain surprisingly out of the spotlight. They seem well-adjusted and happy. I get the impression that this is because Jada wears the pants and would tear Will’s balls off if he stepped out of line.

8. SARAH JESSICA PARKER and MATTHEW BRODERICK
- 9 Years
Also clocking in at 9 years, what makes the logevity of this marriage so surprising is that SHE’S A MAN BABY! But considering their are rumors that he’s gay, maybe it all makes perfect sense.

9. MELANIE GRIFFITH and ANTONIO BANDERAS - 10 Years
Just into the double-digits, this is perhaps the most surprising marriage of all. First, her “career” is now a complete zero, while his remains active. Second, he is still relatively young and good-looking, while she is 126 years-old with more calogen in her lips than Meg Ryan and Jessica Simpson combined. Considering the evidence, I would guess this one must really be true love. Either that, or Melanie sold her soul to Satan. Yeah, maybe it is the whole Satan thing.

10. MADONNA and GUY RITCHIE - 6 Years
Can they really only have been married for 6 years?! Jesus, it seems like this one has been going on forever. Frankly, I’m surprised it has lasted this long, and I suspect that this one will definitely be over by the end of the decade.

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BREAKING NEWS!
Pi Recitied To 100,000 Digits!

TOKYO - A Japanese mental health counselor recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory on Wednesday, setting what he claims to be a new world record.

Akira Haraguchi, 60, needed more than 16 hours to recite the number to 100,000 decimal places, breaking his personal best of 83,431 digits set in 1995, his office said Wednesday. He made the attempt at a public hall in Kisarazu, just east of Tokyo...

And in related news, whenever someone does something that is a pointless waste of time, it will now be referred to as “Pulling a Haraguchi”

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TOMKAT PHOTO ANALYSIS
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, An Expert Photo Analysis

THE ALL-TIME TOP 5 PICTURES OF JESSICA ALBA

We will just make it an all Jessica Alba week at Just Not Trying Anymore. We have compiled the ALL-TIME top 5 pictures of the wonderous Ms. Alba. Our reasoning is iron-clad and indisputable. Yes, there are a lot of great pictures of Jessica - but these are the best. In descending order....

HONORABLE MENTION. There are far too few pictures of Jessica Alba with her tongue hanging out. This is the best one. Insert Peni- err, we mean, joke, here.

5. Our nod to Jessica'a Blonde era. We will give you TWO guesses as to why this photo made the cut.

4. A vision of perfection emerging from the pool -- this picture would cause even men who cannot swim to hurl themselves into the pool in a vain effort to impress Jessica.

3. This picture sequence became legendary on the internet, and for good reason. This is about as close as any of us will ever get to seeing that glorious behind. Ah, to be a piece of sand just for a day....

2. Probably the most controversial of our choices, Jessica's face isn't looking too good in this image, and you can barely see her body at all. BUT, judging by the expression on her face, and the position she is in -- she might very well be having sexual intercourse, and that my friends, is awesome.

1.. The number one image has it all. Full body shot, face, bikini, beach, and a position so alluring 36 men have just exploded as the looked at the image.

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PETE DOHERTY'S HEAD IS A LANDMARK
Rocker's Head Exceeds Size of Buildings

Rocker, drug addict and serial model-dater, Pete Doherty has an enormous head. The photo above has not been altered in any way. I guess he must be taking HGH (human growth hormone) as well as cocaine an heroin. Our team of expert graphic artists have produced a size comparison for you.

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SHE'S A MAN, BABY! A MAN I TELL YA'
Sarah Jessica Parker, a.k.a. Sal Parkenstein

Saraha Jessica Parker, also known as Sal Parkerstein, is just about the ugliest "woman" on Earth. Slap on a mustache, and she has the prominent chin and nose of an aging b-movie star like Fred Ward.

THE UGLIEST CELEBRITY HUSBANDS
Certain Hot Women Always Seem To Marry Ugly Men

There have always been marriages in the world of celebrity that cause people to say "What the hell was she thinking?!" We have compiled a list of 10 hot women who married 10 ugly men, some of which are also total losers. The list is by no means difinitive, so if you have suggestions - e-mail them along. It is also interesting to note that fully half of these marriages ended in divorce.

1. The crown jewel - Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. He is not only a total loser, but since they got married he has managed to drag Britney down with him.

2. Fellow, Mouseketeer, Christine Aguilera recently married the hideously ugly-but-apparently-well-endowed Jordan Bratman.

3. The marriage recently went up in flames, but Richie Sambora was way out of his depth with Heather Locklear anyway.

4. Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe also recently split. But Chad got the short end of the genetic stick, with his brother, Rob, winning out.

5. Pete Sampras and his unbelievably attractive wife, actress Bridgette Wilson seem like a happy couple, and I can certainly see why - from his perspective.

6. J. Lo and Mark Anthony - will you look at that sick, demented looking creep? He looks like a vampire from a bad movie.

7. Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy also seem quite happy. But while I like him as an actor, let's face it, he looks like a troll.

8. The first of our three 'Ugly Husband Hall of Fame' listings. Joe Dimaggio and Marilyn Monroe. Just look at the picture people.

9. Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett are pretty much at the top of the heap when it comes to ugly husbands. The man looks like he was pieced together from spare parts.

10. And wrapping up the list, the ultra-hot and now Brad Pitt-loving Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton. His name is 'Billy Bob'...that's all you need to know.

It is an age old question, and we will get to the bottom of it once and for all. I won't have to vote of course, because I am six-foot-four and have a 32-inch penis.

Click HEREto view the question on its own page.

BARBARA STREISAND IS HIDEOUS
And We Have Video Proving It...Kind Of...

There are some recent and very grotesque candid pictures of Barbara Streisand floating around the web.

That got me thinking...which is always dangerous. It is amazing what a twisted mind, 20 minutes and cheap animation software can achieve...

...

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Yes, Jessica Alba is unbelievably hot. Yes, there are pictures of her everywhere. And yes, we get constant requests for all things Jessica Alba. So hold on to your shorts (or not) here is the ULTIMATE and DIFINITIVE Jessica Alba photo gallery.

It is so ridiculously large, we had to break it into 2 or 3 sections. The other sections will be coming in a few days. So, get a box of kleenex, click on a image above to get there, and don't hurt yourself.

IS NICOLE KIDMAN A CLOSE TALKER?

I don't know who Nicole Kidman is talking to here, but I DO know she is way, way too close to the guy. Yes, Nicole Kidman is a "close talker". She is probably asking the poor guy "Can you see any wrinkles on my face? I have had my flesh stretched and botoxed to the point of no return, so I doubt you can! HA! HA! HA!"

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ACTOR MIKE MYERS IS SHRINKING
Career Is Disappearing As Fast As Height

Hollywood--Comedy actor Mike Myers has a rare disorder that has resulted in the once-five-foot-ten-inch actor shrinking to only six or seven inches in height (see picture above where Mr. Myers is seen posing on the palm mof our photographer's hand).

Insiders explain that the tragic situation goes a long way in explaining why the once-red-hot actor has almost completely disappeared from the Hollywood scene. Literally.

"He has basically been reduced to voice-over work like 'Shrek', because Hollywood isn't ready for a six-inch leading man," says one producer familiar with the situation.

In a cruel twist of fate, after a recent divorce, Mr. Myers is now living with Vern Troyer the diminutive actor who once played "Mini-Me" in the popular 'Austin Powers' movies, but now towers over the superstar.

BREAKING NEWS: VINCE VAUGHN IS SUCKING THE LIFE FROM JENNIFER ANISTON

Los Angeles--Many friends of Hollywood superstar Jennifer Aniston have recently become concerned that hard-partying Vince Vaughn has been sucking the life out of the former 'Friends' career. However, our sources indicate that they may have gotten it wrong - Mr. Vaughn is in fact sucking the very life out of Ms. Aniston!

As the image above seems to indicate, there is very good reason to suspect that Mr. Vaughn is a vampire. His pale, shifty looks and propensity for the night life aside, Mr. Vaughn is clearly sporting fangs, and Ms. Aniston seems to have a significant wound on her neck at the recent premiere of the couple's latest film, 'The Breakup'.

STOP THE HUMILIATION! SAVE THE ORKIN MAN!

Because we at 'Just Not Trying Anymore' are kindly, gentle people, we have decided on a new cause to support. A cause of humanity and justice. We are asking that the people of this country rise up and with one voice tell the Orkin extermination company to CHANGE THE RIDICULOUS UNIFORMS THAT YOU ARE TORTURING YOUR EMPLOYEES BY MAKING THEM WEAR!

As the photo above clearly indicates, and as the constantly running commercials on national television show us - these poor bastards actually have to wear red and white uniforms with a black neck tie and absurd red epaulets - like they are members of an elite military force that captures candy canes.

Stop humilating these poor people! Let them wear REAL work clothes - work clothes that humans would actually wear while they are crawling around dusty old attics or muddy back yards, all the while firing gallons of deadly chemicals.

You can go to Orkin's Customer Service here and help save these people. And then we can all move on to more important stuff like, I don't know, ending the war, world hunger - whatever.

TERI HATCHER TO STAR IN 'FRANKENSTEIN' REMAKE

Hollywood--In a surprising turn of events yesterday morning, TV star and possible George Clooney conquest, Teri Hatcher, announced that she would be starring in a remake of the horror classic 'Frankenstein' as the monster itself.

"This is a great role for me, and I am so happy to be returning to the big screen where I first got my start," said Ms. Hatcher at an afternoon press conference. When several reporters pointed out that the monster had always been played by a male in the past, Ms. Hatcher said she was "More than proud to be breaking another barrier for women everywhere."

The buzz around town is that Ms. Hatcher was cast by the film's producers primarily because they would be saving enormous sums of money on the tight-budgeted feature by casting an actress who would require "little or no" makeup for the role of the monster.

The response to out HUGE celebrity foreheads article keep pouring in. In fact, maybe I will start a website called 'celebrityforeheads.com' and make a million dollars...but until then - here are two more that definitely should make the list. Vince Vaughn looks like one of those aliens from the original Star Trek - they had pulsing veins in their enormous skulls. Obviously he got Jennifer Anniston through mind control.

James Van Der Beek, or however the hell he spells it, looks like Jay Leno as a child on the best day of his life...

We have had OVERWHELMING response to out list of "freaking huge" celebrity foreheads. We have added three that were sited by readers most often, and frankly they are all winners. Tyra Banks has corn rows in her hair - literally. Her forehead is so huge she regularly yields a crop of 1.2 cubic tons of corn. Mena Suvari...what can you say -- she is all head and eyes. As for Helen "worst over-actress of all-time" Hunt -- her forehead is so large she rents condo space on it to 14 migrant workers every Summer.

There seems to be a growing trend in Hollywood of freakishly large foreheads. We have cataloged a few Doogie Howser's own Neil Patrick Harris is, of course, the all-time forehead champ - closely followed by 'Desperate Housewives' Marcia Cross (whose forehead, as we reported here, will be the playing field for Superbowl 2009). Others on our list include: Christina Ricci, Quentin Tarantino, Reese Witherspoon, Sarah Jessica Parker, Martina Hingis, Luke Perry and Nicole Kidman. If you have further suggestions - send them along by clicking on "Contact The Man" to the left.

THE LATEST FRANCHISE IN THE PLASTIC SURGERY CRAZE...

Another of 'Just Not Trying Anymore's' original cartoons. They will be available in limited run, signed individual prints complete with matte frame. Until I get the cartoon page up and running you can e-mail me by clicking "Contact The Man" to the left for details.

Here is the first of many of 'Just Not Trying Anymore's' original cartoons. They will be available in limited run, signed individual prints complete with matte frame. Until I get the cartoon page up and running you can e-mail me by clicking "Contact The Man" to the left for details. Copyright 2006, Josh Newlin.

TOM CRUISE IS DATING STEVE TYLER OF AEROSMITH

Los Angeles-- In a shocking turn of events, actor Tom Cruise was sighted walking hand-in-hand with Aerosmith lead-singer Steve Tyler. The two appeared to be lovers. Tyler was sporting a large beer-belly, probably due to over-indulgence on the band's recently completed world tour.

Wait, we have just been told that is a photograph of Cruise with his mammoth fiancé, Katie Holmes. WTF?

IT IS OFFICIAL:
KEVIN FEDERLINE TURNS PEOPLE UGLY

Atlanta-- A team of scientists working around the clock for the last six months has determined that pop-culture no-talent leechbag, Kevin Federline, actually emits a chemical compound that turns women ugly after repeated contact. As evidence, please look at the photo above, in which Britney Spears goes from red-hot sexy pop-starlet to hideous bag of white-trash beef.

RARE VIRUS TURNING CELEBRITIES INTO TODDLERS

Sources in our worldwide news bureau have uncovered a potentially deadly (to careers) virus that is storming through Hollywood.

Apparently, this new disease is turning healthy, adult film and television stars into small, baby-sized toddlers. The transformations are quick, and potentially lethal to fan bases (see photo above). .

BRITISH WOMEN FIGHTING DEADLY EYEBROW VIRUS

Attractive women all across Great Britain have a new illness to fear - no, it is not the dreaded and well-publicized Avian Flu - it is an unnamed virus that enlarges women's eyebrows to startling proportions. Beautiful women seem particularly susceptible. As evidence we present the photo above which shows both Keira Knightley and Emma Watson who are the most public figures to be stricken with the disorder. The photo shows both the middle stage of the disease and the end stage, where the eyebrows have become alarmingly overgrown.

No cure is known to exist, but work continues on a vaccine, and daily use of hedge-trimmers can help reduce the effects.

THE ULTIMATE NIP SLIP COLLECTION

What can I say? I am fascinated by the fact that women's chests can fall out in various ways and they do not notice. This has not been my experience in my life...but I don't hang out with Hollywood starlets...often...So click on the image above for a HUGE, poster-like collection that is definitely NSFW.

HILARY DUFF IS ACTUALLY 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE

I was sent a picture of Hilary Duff the other day and it didn't really look like her. Then I realized Hilary Duff doesn't really look like herself - if that is possible. Sometimes she is cute, sometimes she looks like a man, sometimes a transestite man-whore. A careful review by a team of investigative reporters has revealed that Hilary Duff is actually 5 different people making public appearences as 'Hilary Duff', and one of them is Ron Jeremy.

NIPSLIPS REMAIN A MYSTERY

I am really puzzled by all these famous women who go to movie premieres and pose for pictures oblivious to the fact that their breasts are falling out. On the surface, this is a happy occurence, but it is nonetheless bizarre. I was under the impression that nipples were very sensitive - and therefore one might notice when it is exposed to the cold air - completely unclothed. Does celebrity cause the complete numbing of the chest area? I can't recall any male celebrities talking to reporters at at premiere with their gentials hanging out, and I think that is something I would remember. Perhaps some researchers at Harvard could get to work on this - IT IS IMPORTANT - unlike cancer, diabetes etc...

LAURA BUSH DRINKS BLOOD

Washington-- Sources inside the White House have reportedly leaked information regarding First Lady Laura Bush that threatens to engulf an already embattled White House in yet another scandal. The shocking revelation - Mrs. Bush is a blood-sucking vampire. A comparison of her photo and an image of Dracula, reveals a clear similarity.

The administration is trying to put a brave face on the leak of this devataing information. The Assistant Press Secretary was quoted as saying "Most people thought she was a mindless fembot, so this may be a bonus. I hear the vampire community is a growing constituency in the swing states."

MORE PRODUCTS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

Another classic from my art files...If you link to us please give us credit - Thanks. .

PRODUCTS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

More of these original products will be coming soon...If you link to us please give us credit - Thanks.

2009 SUPERBOWL WILL BE PLAYED ON MARCIA CROSS' FOREHEAD

The NFL surprised some insiders earlier today by announcing that the 2009 Superbowl will be played on 'Desperate Housewives' star Marcia Cross' grotesquely oversized forehead. "The playing surface is perfect. Flat and easily moveable to a warm, dry environment, and ample covered parking should be available in co-star Teri Hatcher's vacant cranial cavity," said NFL spokesman John Robertson.

CELEBRITY SONOGRAM CONTROVERSEY

With all the controversey swirling around the recent 'illegal' release of the 'alleged' sonogram of Angelina Jolie's and Brad Pitt's unborn child, we at Just Not Trying Anymore have done our own digging around and made an even more stunning discovery. We have located the original sonogram for the 16th President of the United States -- Abraham Lincoln.

Despite the fact that medical technology was not advanced enough to do much more than amputate at the time of Honest Abe's birth, this sonogram clearly shows the future President's trademark stovepipe hat and beard.

SERENA WILLIAMS IS BECOMING A CENTAUR

Tennis superstar Serena Williams continues down the road to becoming the first centaur to play a professional sport since "Cromag the Magnificent" played a primitive version of lacrosse in Eastern Europe about 500 A.D.

In the picture above, our wizards in the photo lab have put up a comparison between Serena and the mythical creature, which for some reason was pictured on a French postage stamp. It could have been worse - it could have been Jerry Lewis.

JANET JACKSON EATS MICHAEL JACKSON
Kills Two Birds With One Stone

Los Angeles -- Reports are surfacing that pop singer Janet Jackson, who has watched her career spiral down into obscurity since revealing her enormous nipple during a Superbowl half-time performance, has eaten her equally troubled brother, Michael Jackson.

"She just visited him over in Europe, and when she came back she had gained, like 150 pounds," said an insider. "She told me she was tired of all the problems and controversy with the media. Tired of answering questions about Michael, and she hadn't had any lunch - so she just ate him."

MAN SWALLOWS METEOR

Richmond, IN - A local man looked up to the skies late last night and saw a small burning "dot" coming towards him. Like any person would, he opened his mouth and said, "Come and get me you hellspawn!" He was surprised when a small meteor struck him and the teeth - where it is still lodged this morning.

"Ghreemmmphhhpphm," said the young man when asked how he was feeling.

The top 10 ugliest cars since 1970. We have spread the ugly around in this definitive list of ugly autos. Just click on the image above to see the hall-of-shame...what were they thinking?

IT'S OFFICIAL: COURTNEY LOVE IS MEDUSA.

News reports have confirmed that Courtney Love has ben turning people into stone with the merest glance all around the Los Angeles area. A public official stated early last night that "Ms. Love has, in fact, become Medusa, the Gorgon -- a snake-haired creature who turns to stone those who behold them."

"We recommend all people in the Los Angeles area flee at the merest hint of Courtney Love." -

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE DEMANDED IT! BECAUSE THEY ARE PERVERTS! WE WILL DELIVER!

Click on the image above to be taken to the breast montage of all time. (NSFW)

A SUPERHERO FOR A NEW AGE
TESTECLES! (rhymes with Hercules)

One of my classic creations - Testecles (rhymes with Hercules). A hero with balls....Soon to be a major motion picture...

IT's TIME FOR "JOWEL-OFF 2006"
THE BATTLE OF THE JOWELS!

Yes, it's that time of year when the tournament frenzy begins to build...no it isn't March Madness -- it is JOWEL-OFF 2006! In the First round Rosie O'Donnell faces off (literally) against fire and brimestone, right-wing nutjob Jerry Falwell. Vote today by sending us an e-mail (click on 'Contact The Man' to the left). You can also send in Jowel-Off suggestions for future rounds!

Round Two of "JOWEL-OFF 2006"
THE CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE JOWELS!

As the Jowel-Off continues, the second bracket comes into action. This battle of 'Super-Contenders' pitts sadly-deceased funny man Chris Farley vs. Former Secretary of Transportation and Michigan Senator Spencer Abraham. One of these two may be going to the finals... Vote today by sending us an e-mail (click on 'Contact The Man' to the left). You can also send in Jowel-Off suggestions for future rounds!

Round Three of "JOWEL-OFF 2006"
THE CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE JOWELS!

As the Jowel-Off continues, the third bracket comes into action. Tomorrow will be the forth and final bracket - only the winners will advance to next weeks semi-finals! This battle is between often-huge John Goodman and cranky newsfunnyman Andy Rooney. Vote today by sending us an e-mail (click on 'Contact The Man' to the left). You can also send in Jowel-Off suggestions for future rounds!

Round Four of "JOWEL-OFF 2006"
THE CELEBRITY BATTLE OF THE JOWELS!

As the Jowel-Off continues, we have our fourth and final round, as well as an update on who has advanced (as determined by your e-mails). This round has 'Cheers' actor George Wendt, going up against Right-wing TV and print talking head George Will. I'm not fond of George Will, so I have chosen to represent his chinless visage with an image of a hideously fat ass and thigh region.

the second image above shows that Rosie O'Donnell and Spencer Abraham have advanced with victories over Jerry Falwell and the late Chris Farley, respectively. Readers wisely chose not to advance the deceased contestant. Thanks.

Tomorrow we will have the winners in the final two brackets, and begin the "FINAL JOWEL FOUR 2006!" .

THE FINALISTS ARE IN!
THE "JOWEL FOUR" ARE HERE!

Above is the final bracket of the first round - John Goodman and the hideous ass-face George Will advance to the "Jowel Four!" That means that the final contestants for most grotesque celebrity jowels of 2006 will be: Rosie O'Donnell (the superstar), Spencer Abraham (the darkhorse), John Goodman (old reliable) and hurrendous dick-wad George Will (ass-wipe). Tomorrow...THE FINALS! .

THE FINALS ARE HERE!
THE CELEBRITY JOWEL FINAL TWO ARE...!

Spencer "Unexplored continent in my jowels" Abraham will be facing off against John "You thought Roseanne was fat!" Goddman...Tomorrow...the winner...is...

THE WINNER IS...JOHN GOODMAN!

John Goodman has double-chinned his way to victory in the first -annual Celebrity Jowel-Off. We have had a team of forensic scietists working around the clock, at enormous expense, and they have also posted a image of what Mr. Goodman will likely look like in 5 years jowel-wise. Thanks for all the votes.

TOP TEN NICKNAMES FOR THE McRIB SANDWICH

10.The McFake
9. The Shitbomb on Bread
8. The McSevered Hand
7. The Accidentally put in my bag, didn’t actually order it
6. The McExplosive Diarrhea
5. The McHorror Movie Prop
4. The McClogger
3. The Vengeful Oinker
2. The Death by Sodium
1. The McRib-off

ROCK SINGER TAUNTS PEOPLE WITH HIS UGLINESS

Lou Gramm, formerly of the 70's and 80's super-group Foreigner, recently toured through our area - either Lou Gramm has not looked in a mirror in 15 years, or he likes to mock himself in mass-distributed forms of print publications. Sorry for the wrinkles on the ad, but I kept it in my wallet for anytime I felt the need for hysterical laughter. NOT ONLY does this ad show us a picture of Lou Gramm from 15 years ago (1) - it also gives us a picture of what he looks like now (2)...Lou Gramm is clearly someone who is just not trying anymore...I like how the top of the ad reads "Three days 'til the big night - buy your tickets today"...perhaps we should add - "Or Mr. Gramm will eat you."

STUPID LABELS, FOR STUPID PEOPLE

One of the main things that drives us crazy at JNTA is incredibly inane labels on products. The label above is from a can of compressed air I had on my desk to clean dust off my keyboard. Apparently, the maker of the product was so afraid of lawsuits that they felt it was necessary to warn me not to STICK THE CAN OF AIR IN MY EAR AND SHOOT COMPRESSED AIR INTO MY BRAIN. They also warn me not to shoot it into my mouth - for that "air high", not to throw it into an open fire and not to use it upside down. Thanks, folks. Thanks a lot. I feel much safer now.

REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP OBSESSED WITH PRESIDENT's ASS

As this AP photo clearly shows, the Republican leadership has clearly developed an obsession with President Bush's ass. This may explain their inability to do anything other than kiss the president's ass, as they clearly want to get as close to that glorious double-orb of conservatism as they can...

A STORE WORTH PULLING OVER FOR...

This sign was literally 3 blocks from my house. Naturally, I had to speed home, grab my wallet....I mean my digital camera -- and rush back and take this photograph. An all-time classic.

VINTAGE MAGAZINE COVER

I was digging through some old files of mine and found this Photoshop Rolling Stonecover I had made for my brother's birthday 6 or 7 years ago....still makes me laugh.

GAME SHOWS WEED OUT THE DUMB PEOPLE

I know that ripping on game show contestants isn't exactly cutting-edge satire, but having been home for a couple weeks recovering from surgery, I watched several hours of "The Price Is Right" amongst other shows. I have come to the determination that the vast majority of game show audiences should be rounded up and put into camps where we harvest their organs for those needing transplants who have never attended or participated in a game show...

TOM DELAY -- MARKED BY SATAN

While former House Majority Leader Tom Delaymanaged a hearty smile when he recently was arrested for a variety of crimes, our careful research at 'JNTA' has revealed he was unable to remove the mark of the devil - 666 - from the area around his eyes...

FINALLY SOME HONESTY FROM A CHURCH SIGN!

We are going to be running a lot of these ridiculous church signs over the next few months because it really has become an epidemic of stupidity. Forget bird flu - this is what we should be worrying about. Once a church starts advertising - I write them off. If God has to take out billboards, he/she must be losing it...

HERE IS A LATE-CHRISTMAS PARODY SONG

Wrote this a few years back - sung to the tune of the little-used classic 'Good King Wenceslas'.

THE DEATH OF CLAUS

Through the darknes quick they walked
Till at last they saw him
Sitting on a pile of stiffs, farting and a' yawnin'

Fircely fought they Santa Claus
till at last they slew him

His coat was torn, his head was off
they couldn't even move him
So they left him lying there
and back to home they rambled
Yelling in sound rejoice, of the guts they scrambled

This tale causes all Christian souls to wonder about Santa
Was St. Nick a jolly man, or more like a vicious panther

But forgetting the whole tale
We should all rejoice this season

If Santa kills you
I'm sure it will be with good reason

I am going to be updating and organizing my rant blog - read the latest entries by clicking on the 'Raving' header above.

ORIGINAL CARTOON OF THE WEEK

Probably the favorite cartoon I have ever drawn - a limited run of signed and numbered art prints are available on ebay - follow this link.

BUSH SHOCKS THE WORLD, APPOINTS WHITE, IVY-LEAGUE MALE TO SUPREME COURT

President Bush shocked the global community when he chose Samuel Alito, a white, middle-aged male with an Ivy-League pedigree to the Supreme Court. This would make 8 old men on the court and only one old woman. Sounds like a cool idea for the latest Walter Mathau/Jack Lemon comedy...wait they are both dead...bummer.

JESSICA SIMPSON IS MARRIED TO AN ELF

Two of the least worthy people who have ever become famous are "Nick and Jessica". In this photo you can see that Jessica isn't the only one in their marriage who has been enhanced by silicone. Look at the unnaturally silicone-pumped elf ears of Nick Lachey. Perhaps they have been bent back by the shear force of the wind as he runs at high speed from Jessica. If you look closely at Jessica Simpson's breasts -- I know this is difficult, but try -- you can see that some silicone may have leaked all over her black shirt.

I HATE MORONIC AD AGENCIES

Most ad agencies are run by trained gorillas...now wait the trained gorillas would be smarter than most of the people doing marketing these days. Case in point - I was about to buy a bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos yesterday, and I noticed the package said "NOW BETTER TASTING!" on it. I guess this means the chips I used to like tasted like sh-t. But NOW they are better tasting - so I'll give them a try...give me a freaking break! And please go back to the old "Nacho Cheese Doritos" and drop the "Nacho CHEESIER Doritos"...They are damn corn chips for god's sake, let's not over think things here people...wait, that's what I just did, ah forget it.

YAHOO HAS AMERICA'S PRIORITIES DOWN

I noticed on Yahoo's main page a few days ago that they really know how to use their 'headlines' to encapsulate the absurdity of the USA at this point. Note the list - supreme Court Nominee, Iraqi Bombing... and favorite killing method for horror films - impaling!! This country is in real trouble people...

LARGE INSECT PENETRATES BRITNEY SPEARS'
ANAL CAVITY

Britney Spears definitely appears to have 'Just stopped trying'. First she marries one of the Beverly Hillbillies, then she gives up on birth control, and now she seems to be allowing deep cavity penetration by a 36-inch centipede...or at least that's what it looks like here...

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