WHERE'S ALBA?...Like 'Where's Waldo' But With Boobs.
OK - remember those "Where's Waldo?" books? You had to find a goofy-looking guy in a red and white striped hat in a sea of confusing images. We have updated the game for the 21st century. Now it is "Where's Alba?". Click on the image above to search a sea of breasts in the hopes of finding the pair that belong to Jessica Alba. Then you can click and view the answer key and see who is who.
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A NEW FEATURE AT JUST NOT TRYING ANYMORE...
Is is just me or has Kevin Federline been secretly dating the otherwise married Melissa Joan Hart? How else can you explain her complete fall from vaguely hot to "I just ate Janet Jackson".
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KEVIN FEDERLINE BEING STUDIED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE
Washington--Several sources inside the Department of Defense have confirmed that a "working group" has been mobilized within the department to study the possible development of a chemical weapon that would involve spraying an entire population with phermones cloned from Britney Spears' do-nothing husband, Kevin Federline.
Apparently, after reviewing several photos on the internet like those pictured above, Defense Secretary and nappy-dresser Donald Rumsfeld declared the 'Federline Project' a top priority.
"Look what that guy has achieved in the space of just a couple of years!" the secretary exclaimed to nearby staff. "If we could produce a highly-concentrated version of whatever this creep is giving off, we could spray it over a city like Havanah, and be ready to take over in a week or two!"
Staff members claim that Rumsfeld has become obsessed with the project, and Ms. Spears' hit "Oops, I Did It Again" can be heard playing over and over again in his office the past few weeks.
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Another of our original cartoons...enjoy. My Catholic friends tell me this may, in fact, be how the church operates...
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It's strange how many women in Hollywood have ENORMOUS chins these days. I'm not talking about nice strong jawlines, I'm talking about monster chins here. It is also kind of amazing how many of them remain attractive. You may have noticed that Jay Leno made the list as well. Why? Let's just say the rumor is he was born "JANET" Leno...or maybe I just got tired of looking for women with huge chins...
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TOYS R US UNVEILS NEW REPUBLICAN LINE OF TOYS
Retailer Toys R Us has unveiled a new line of toys and children's products that were developed by the National Republican Committee (NRC). Already generating contrversey is the "Guantanmo Bay Playpen" which keeps yor toddler safe within a "Cocoon of plastic and barbed wire".
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Hey, we like Jessica Alba as much as the next man (or woman), but she is all over the internet every day. She literally can't pick her ass without 20 websites instantly posting high-resolution photos of anal dust on her hand.
So, we at Just Not Trying Anymore have developed a massive computer program that has searched the web for the 10 poeple that look the least like Jessica Alba. The thousands of factors are too complex to list, just rest assured we can never be proven wrong.
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There are a lot of real penises in the world, so one would think that there is little reason to build things that look like them - or for nature to create more things that closely resemble them...but that is not the case! Here is our list of ten things that look like a penis. 1) President Bush 2) A weather map with a strangely phallic area of percipitation 3) Some strange underwater creature (jellyfish? Squid?) 4) A naked mole rat 5) The Capitol building in Tallahassee, Florida 6) A drive-in movie sign 7) A desk chair that apparently doubles as a giant foam penis 8) An LGPA golfer and her phallic trophy...how ironic! 9)Unknown building being constructed 10) A natural formation of rock, that gives new meaning to the phrase 'rock hard'.
REPORTS CONFIRM THAT ALYSSA MILANO IS MADE OF PLASTIC
Hollywood--Reports today from around Hollywood have confirmed what many around the country had already come to believe - actress Alyssa Milano is actaully a plastic robot, able to move and talk in an almost-human fashion.
"It doesn't surprise me at all," said a fan from just outside the Warner Brothers television studio. "She has that vacant and shinny look that makes you think...android."
Apparently Ms. Milano was replaced by the "Manequin Milano" about three years ago. After the switch (by parties unknown) Ms. Milano's career continued unharmed like the silicone-driven juggernaut that it is. Reports from the set of Alyssa's hit show 'Charmed' say that the robot has never been a problem on set, and always delivers the wooden dialogue with perfect pitch.
"She looks perfect in a kind of creepy way. Like one of those 'real' latex sex dolls," confided one of the show's staffers.
For the moment, the whereabouts of the actual flesh and bone version of Ms. Milano are unknown. It remains unclear as to whether the actress was replaced by a plastic version willingly or through some nefarious means.
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AMANDA BYNES IS BECOMING A WEREWOLF
Los Angeles--Rising young actress Amanda Bynes has been sticken with a horrible infection. An infection that sources have revealed is, in fact, the bite of a werewolf.
As the photo above reveals, the once beautiful actress now closely resembles a puffy-faced, hairy drunk man. "She is well on her way to a full-blown werewolf infection," says infectious disease specialist Howard Selleman. "There is a werewolf colony in Northern California, so it is quite possible that was where she was bitten," Mr. Selleman continued. He added that Ms. Bynes will soon be fully covered in hair and be a brutal, meat-eating wild animal, like Jim Belushi.
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ARMAGEDDON IS COMING Secrets Revealed! Answers Unleashed! Don't Travel or Educate Yourself!
This is an 'advertisement' that ran recently in USA Today. While it is clearly the work of a genius, we have added a few editorial comments to clarify matters.
It is actually kind of a laugh-through-the tears situation. As hilarious as the text is, it should scare the crap out of all of us that some people really believe this dung-pile...Then again, they may have been privy to the "Escape Plan" and we have not...
In the name of fairness - we now bring you the our list of ten things that look like a female’s “private area”. I say “private area” because if I didn’t say that, this site would suddenly jump into dirtyville on some internet rankings, and we don’t live in dirtyville so anyway - here that are...
1) Dick Cheney’s mouth 2) They ‘Eye of Sauron’ 3)Jabba-The-Hutt’s grotesque mouth 4) A lemon 5) The knot in a tree trunk 6) What would a woo-woo list be without a Georgia O’Keefe painting 7) Some rock and moss (no, not Kate Moss) 8) One of those hideous ‘bugs’ from ‘Starship Troopers’ 9) Another Georgia O’Keefe painting because we are getting desperate 10)The forehead of Jason Alexander’s alien in his ‘Star Trek’ guest appearance...
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GIANT SUNGLASSES VIRUS STRIKES HOLLYWOOD
Los Angeles--Authorities are working around the clock in Beverly Hills and other exclusive Hollywood-area neighborhoods to contain a potentially career-threatening virus that is plaguing scores of young Hollywood stars.
The virus, Giant Celebrity Sunglasses Disorder (GCSD), has claimed many well-known victims in recent weeks including pop star Jessica Simpson.
Beverly Hills Hospital spokesperson David Garrison describes the symptoms as follows: "The victims have usually been traveling, and walking through strange airports, when they discover they are suddenly wearing huge, hideous sunglasses. A primary symptom of the disease is that the victim is unaware of how ridiculous they look."
Medical officials are unwilling to comment on how widespread the breakout may become in the coming weeks.
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THE LATEST FROM THE GREATEST UN-INTENTIONALLY FUNNY BOOK OF ALL TIME!!!
Today we are reproducing a couple more pages from the ridiculous book that provides more laughs than the '40 Year-old Virgin' and "Wedding Crashers' combined.
Every page of this book is GOLD! GOLD I TELL YA'!
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We had a huge response to our "Almost Dead" celebrity list. Many people wrote in with their choices, and others cried afoul that the relatively spry Liza Minelli was on the list. We have posted a few of the more popular choices above.
Two notes: Estelle Getty (a frequent reader choice, perhaps because of Bea Arthur's presence on the list) is 'only' 82 and can probably do more push-ups than you. If anyone has seen Liza Minelli's recent appearance on 'Larry King Live', she is clearly near death or insanity - whichever comes first.
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BRITNEY SPEARS TO AUDITION FOR MOVIE ROLE
Actress/Singer Would Play Mummified Horror
Los Angeles -- Early today reports surfaced that Britney Spears has auditioned for the title role in the blockbuster sequel to 'The Mummy Returns', 'Mummy's Revenge'. The first two films starred Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz as archeologists who encounter an ancient evil.
Ms. Spears would replace Arnold Vosloo, who played the Mummy in the two previous hit films. Spears would play a horrific ancient female mummy, that is resurrected and proceeds to go on a massive eating binge that threatens the food supply of all of Europe.
Our reporters have acquired a photo from the audition (pictured above) where Ms. Spears is seen doing her best to capture the Mummy's insatiable appetite.
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THE FIRST JUST NOT TRYING ANYMORE READER POLL
Tell Us What You Want - Choose As Many As You Like
EVANGELINE LILLY COMES OUT OF TRANCE
Actress Shocked To Discover She Is Engaged to 'Hobbit'
Honolulu -- Gorgeous actress Evangeline Lilly of the hit TV show 'Lost', apparently woke from an almost 22-month trance and discovered she was engaged to Hobbit-sized actor Dominic Monaghan.
"Jesus Christ, are you kidding me?" Ms. Lilly was heard to say on the set of 'Lost'. "I'm way too hot for this runt." See photo above for a visual testament to her reaction.
Ms. Lilly was seen running to her trailer in tears screaming "Why? Why? Why?"
Doctors are still looking into the strange trance-like state that Ms. Lilly was in for well over a year, and will have no comment until tests on Ms. Lilly are completed in several weeks.
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MARIAH CAREY IS JABBA THE HUTT
Los Angeles -- Singer Mariah Carey has landed the coveted role of inter-galactic crime lord 'Jabba The Hutt' in the upcoming live-action Star Wars television series. Ms. Carey is pictured above during her audition for the role.
Lucasfilm announced the casting early this morning. Production on the television series will begin in roughly six months, for an expected air date of January, 2008. The series will take place in the time between the third and fourth films in the epic, record-breaking space saga.
Lucasfilm spokesperson Harry Carter said "Mariah has the advantage of tremendous name recognition, and the fact that she is a fat cow, which will allow us to turn her into Jabba The Hutt in less than half the time it would normally take our effects crew."
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WHAT IF THE COEN BROTHERS TEAMED UP WITH P.E.T.A TO PRODUCE A FILM?
The Dude abides...
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DALI LAMA DEVOURS RICHARD GERE
Religious Figure Consumes Celebrity Supporter
Los Angeles -- In just a few wild minutes the Dali Lama, one of the most respected and revered religious figures in the world, thrust himself into the world spotlight when he devoured longtime-supporter, actor Richard Gere, at a fundraising luncheon early yesterday morning.
Stunned eyewitnesses recounted a horrifying scene where the Dali Lama grew to almost 30 feet in height, turned to Mr. Gere who had been seated on his right, and quickly chewed him up "Like a drumstick."
"He seemed to start chanting, and then he just grew real big, real fast," said eyewitness Harrison Carter. "Mr. Gere just kind of looked stunned and stumbled back a bit, and then the Dali Lama grabbed him and stuffed him in his mouth," Mr. Carter continued.
After swallowing the actor, the Dali Lama returned to his normal size and the luncheon continued without incident. Authorities have said their investigation into the incident is on-going.
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MOVIES WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE...OR NOT
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ASHLEE SIMPSON WAS IN 'SIN CITY'
Actress/Singer Was Disguised As Mickey Rourke
Los Angeles -- News reports are begining to surface that pop singer Ashlee Simpson secretly performed in last year's hit movie 'Sin City'.
According to reports the erstwhile actress played the role of 'Marv' which had been previously credited to Mickey Rourke. Insiders report that Ms. Simpson was cast because her face and enormous chin required little or no makeup for the role, saving the tightly-budgeted production a significant amount of cash.
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THE GREATEST UN-INTENTIONALLY FUNNY BOOK OF ALL TIME!
We at 'Just Not Trying Anymore' have discovered the funniest book of all time. Sadly, the book doesn't mean to be funny, but that is largely irrelevant. It was free in a pile of books being given away. I cannot imagine why. The book is titled "Questions Young People ask", and it was published by Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.
You would think that with a title of "Questions Young People Ask" the book might contain actual questions from young people. This is not the case. Rather, it contains questions that groups of old, frustrated nutjobs gathered in church basements might ask.
We have reproduced a couple of the pages below - complete with editorial cooment by this website. Many, many more pages will be coming in the future - because this crap is so freaking hilarious...
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ASHLEE SIMPSON KILLS TWO
SUDDEN MOVEMENT OF MONSTER CHIN CRUSHES FRIENDS' SKULLS
Los Angeles-- In a tragic and sudden turn of events, popstar Ashlee Simpson killed two members of her entourage when she swung her head suddenly to the left and then the right. Ms. Simpson was attempting to catch a glimpse of fellow performer Christine Aguillera, who was entering the posh nightclub 'Aerolas', when her enormous, over-sized chin caught friends Jillian Smith and Susan Nixon straight-on - crushing their skulls "like paper cups," as described by one of the EMTs who responded to the scene.
Ms. Simpson ran from the club in hysterical tears shortly after it became clear that her friends were dead. "She ran to a waiting van. Someone slid open the side door so she could squeeze her bloody chin in," said eyewitness Ralph Hooper.
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LINDSAY LOHAN IS STRETCH ARMSTRONG
I really think people have lost persepective when they change their body parts like they are changing clothes. "Hmm...I think huge breasts would go better with this color." - so it is off to the plastic surgeon. Now maybe Lindsay Lohan just slipped and fell into a mystical pile of fat that shot into her chest and slowly disappeared over time only to reappear during the full moon, but I don't think so.
CHARLIZE THERON'S DRESS CONCEALED A WEAPON
ACTRESS WAS PACKING ROCKET LAUNCHER AT OSCARS
Los Angeles -- Several news agencies are reporting that oscar-nominated actress Charlize Theron was enlisted to provide extra security for Hollywood's most glamourous evening. Although Ms. theron's dress drews gasps and guffaws for the turkey-sized blue bow on the left shoulder, insiders report the bow actually contained a TX-575 rocket launcher, that was capable of firing surface-to-air rockets with the slightest touch of a button hidden in the Ms. Theron's small clutch purse.
Oscar organizers refused to comment on the security for the event. However, one of the security managers did remark "Let's just say Charlize Theron was wearing my favorite dress of the evening," adding to speculation.
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DICK CHENEY EATS BABIES
Wyoming-- In a stunning development that seems to have caught the usually tightly controlled White House by surprise, Vice President Dick Cheney grabbed a baby from a crowd, and devoured the child before the crowd of horrified onlookers who had gathered to hear the Vice President give a speech in his home state of Wyoming.
Bystander Harold Wilson Said he heard the Vice President "Mumbling something about a pact with the devil and a need for innocent blood," before eating the as-of-yet unidentified 3-month-old infant.
At this time the White House has no comment.
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A NSFW GUIDE TO WOMENS' NIPPLES
With the overwhelming response to our nip-slip compilation, we felt obligated to pass along our definitive guide to nipples. This stunning document will either save or ruin your life, depending on how you look at it... click on the image above to go to the NSFW guide page.
